Jokes

Someone is knocking on a Scotsman’s door. He opens and the visitor says : “Good
morning sir. We kindly ask for your help in our effort to finally build a public swimming pool
in our neighborhood. Would you please help us?” And the Scotsman “Of course I’ll help
your good cause. Just give a minute. I’ll grab a glass of water for you”.

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"Welcome to our _OOL, Notice there is no "P" in it. We'd like to keep it that way".

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SIGNS YOUR SWIMMING POOL NEEDS CLEANING :
? Chuck Norris can NOT swim in your pool.
? Neighborhood kids ask if they can jump on your trampoline.
? Kids still pee in your pool, but they refuse to get in it.
? New algae species attract a Discovery Channel film crew to your backyard.
? You can walk on the water, even though you're only the son of George.
? “Hey that’s a nice green tarp covering your pool” …well you do not own a tarp!
? Skipping rocks across the “water” causes sparks.
? The Grim Reaper shows up in his Speedo.

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Which is larva’s favorite swim style? Butterfly of course!

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FOR THE CURIOUS. Take with you your favorite perfume. Dive to the bottom of
your pool. Spray 4-5 times. In order to determine whether scents can be detected
underwater, please inhale deeply. We look forward to your findings. (Don’t you ever try
this! It is strictly prohibited due to high hazard. We were obliged to hire a new stuntman
after this experiment)

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Lifeguard to a boy ‘Don’t pee in the pool.’ Boy ‘But everybody does it.’ Lifeguard ‘Not
from the diving board…!!!’

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Saturday morning, Phil arrives at the club for a golf date when he remembers that he
forgot to let his wife know that Sears is delivering the new couch around noon. He picks
up the phone in the lounge and calls home.
“Hello”, says a little girl’s voice.
“Hi, honey, it’s Daddy. Can I speak to Mommy please.”
“No, Daddy, she’s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Ted.
This stops Phil for a moment. “Sweetie, you don’t have an Uncle named Ted.”
“Yes I do and he’s upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy.”
“Okay, here’s what to do, honey. Put down the phone, run upstairs and tell Mommy that
Daddy’s car just pulled in the driveway.”

“Okay, Daddy.”
A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. “I did so Daddy.”
“Good girl, and what happened?”
“Mommy ran into the bathroom with no clothes on, slipped on the rug and banged her
head on the sink. Now she’s injured a little bit.”
“Oh my God!!!” says Phil, “and what about Uncle Ted?”
“He jumped out the bedroom window into the swimming pool but must have forgot that
you took all the water out and he hit the bottom and now he’s injured too.”
“Wait a minute…we don’t have a swim…….ooops, SORRY, wrong number.”

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Clinton Goes Swimming
One day the White House agents found that Clinton was using the pool more often than
usual. Every day at 5pm the president would change into his bathing duds and jump in
the pool. He would then hold his breath and dive to the bottom, staying there for as long
as his lungs could hold. He would then come out, take another breath and repeat the
procedure. He did this repeatedly until he was ready to faint and then would crawl out of
the pool and continue with his day's work.

After about a week doing so, the agents started worrying about the presidents mental
stability. One of the agents finally took the courage and consulted Clinton on the reason
behind his odd behavior.

"Well…" said Clinton "…one of my staff members recently told me that deep down I'm not
that stupid."

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Row Row A Boat
A blonde is driving along a deserted country road with fields on either side. She looks out
the window and sees another blonde in the middle of a field, in a rowboat, rowing and
rowing. She stops the car, rolls down the window and yells, "You know it's blondes like
you who give the rest of us blondes a bad name!" Getting no reaction from the blonde in
the rowboat, she screams, "If I could swim I'd come out there and punch you out."

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Mistaken Identity
Standing at the edge of the lake, a man saw a woman flailing about in the deep water.
Unable to swim, the man screamed for help. A fisherman ran up. The man said, "My wife
is drowning and I can't swim. Please save her. I'll give you a hundred dollars."

The fisherman dove into the water. In ten powerful strokes, he reached the woman, put
his arm around her, and swam back to shore. Depositing her at the feet of the man, the
fisherman said, "Okay, where's my hundred?"

The man said, "Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I thought it was my
wife. But this is my mother-in-law". The fisherman reached into his pocket and said, "Just
my luck. Ok, how much do I owe you?"